1st day of Kindergarten! It is amazing the things that are not only a first for your kids but a first for you. Sometimes I think that us parents are more uptight and nervous and scared than the kids.
I tried very hard to play up going to school telling him how exciting it was and how he would make new friends. I also tried not to harp on it too much to make him nervous. He seemed fine, if a bit confused, when he walked into the building. The confusion is understandable, the first time we have ever just dropped him in a new place by himself.
I was ok until he went into the building. There was this really big kid that got in front of me and separated me from Babyhead and his dad. My husband walked him into the school and I saw him looking back for me. I just couldn’t get up there to him in time. It was all I could do to NOT push that kid out of the way and cuss at him. Then, Babyhead disappeared into the school. I didn’t see any tears so I am sure he was ok.
As we walked back out to the parking lot I just couldn’t help myself and I started to cry. I wasn’t able to to give him a hug. I wasn’t able to tell him one last time before he went in that I love him. I worried that maybe he was upset that I wasn’t there, that maybe down the hall he started to cry. My rational self says this isn’t so, but moms are hardly rational all the time.
I know I am going to cry on and off all day until he gets home. And I know that he will be excited to see me and tell me all about his adventures on his first day. However, I still can’t get it out of my head that if he needs me I won’t be there. I have to trust complete strangers with my kid.
With the ILs it is different. I know them, I know they care about my kids as much as I do and I know that they will do everything in their power to keep him safe. I don’t know these people in school. I don’t know what they are like. I don’t know that they are decent. I just have to take their word for it and the word of the the township that employs them.
I keep thinking silly things like what if he can’t open the sandwich box his food is in? What if he has to go to the bathroom and there isn’t toilet paper? What if some older kid bullies him at recess? What if he gets lost in the school? What if he gets homesick and cries for me?
WHAT IF HE NEEDS ME???
While all of those scenarios aren’t that bad and I am sure Ms. M can take care of them, that doesn’t change the fact that for five years of his life I was his universe. I helped him when he needed help. I was there to hold him when he cried. And as any mother knows…NO ONE can take as good a care of your kid than you.
So, here I sit listening to my daughter play on the table. It is good for her since there won’t be constant fights for things all day now with her brother. It is quiet without his constant chatter…mommy, I want to tell you something. Mommy, At-Ats have four legs. Mommy, Bumblebee is my favorite transformer. Mom, that was funny. Mommy…mommy…mommy…
Now he isn’t here. He is at school learning new things and making new friends. And I miss him.