There are some things in this world that you wish you could never change. Losing my Grandmother kinda brought a lot of those things in perspective for me and a few other family members. One of the things I hated about not being able to make it to the funeral was not being able to see family again. I don’t mean my immediate family, I mean extended family – aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
You see…my grandmother was the matriarch of our family. Everything used to revolve around her. She had 7 children. Then you add in their respective spouses and then you had 14, then their kids which most had at lest 2 if not 3…you get the idea. We were a big family and we always got together and Granny’s house. Granted one of my Aunts lived in Utah and another was in the Air Guard…still there were always plenty of people around on Sundays and holidays.
I remember getting together every Sunday for dinner at Granny’s house (the family that lived farthest away may show up every month or so instead of every week)…and she would cook a big dinner. I was close to one of my cousins and we always hung out together when we were there. I also remember Granny making chocolate gravy on Saturday mornings when we lived there for a time!
But then…my mother had a falling out with everyone, I think, and when we moved into another town (not so far away) we lost touch with everyone. Then Granny became sick and I never heard from family again. I didn’t really think of it until my adult years when I longed to spend time with my own family and not that of my ex- husband or even DH now.
It was (and still is) hard on me to think that I wasn’t able to make it to Granny’s funeral and be with my family. I still think to myself that I should have just pushed to go down there. DH would have done it had it been what I wanted…but I wasn’t in a good state of mind and only thought of it after the fact.
I needed my family then.
I still need my family.
I guess to me the loss of my grandmother was so much more than just her, it was the loss of all the connections she held. It feels as if now we will all scatter to the winds like a dandelion puff. That really saddens me.
I feel, myself, that I am kinda lost in the wind with no real direction. I love my kids, I love DH, and I even love his family. But it isn’t the same. Sometimes it seems that they are the only thing keeping me grounded here on earth and not floating away on the breeze.