I love my kids. At one time I wanted lots of kids. After my son was born, I didn’t want any more kids. After Podling was born I made sure I couldn’t have any more kids.
My decisions for not wanting anymore kids are purley selfish. It is scary being a parent. It is scary being pregnant. I have my two kids…there is enough worry and fear with them to last me a few lifetimes. I keep thinking of some friends. One has a miscarriage, the other lost her baby soon after birth. My heart just bleeds for them.
I keep thinking of Podling and when we thought we were going to lose her. It was the most agonizing, horrible thing I had ever went through…thinking my baby was going to die before she even had a chance to live. DH and I went through a daze for 20+ weeks of my pregnancy with podling thinking that any minute we were going to lose her. The family didn’t speak much about it either. We didn’t make plans…all because of this paralyzing fear. Then week 30 rolled around and we realized that she was going to make it…and we needed to make plans.
Now that Podling is here, I worry that something is going to go wrong in her devlopement. I worry that Babyhead is going to be stricken with some horrible childhood disease. I can’t imagine my life without them…and that hurts wose thinking that one day the powers that be could take them away from me.
I see Babyhead and I have hopes of him being a sensitive, caring man who helps those in need. I see Podling and I have hopes of her being a strong, independant woman ready to lead. I seem them both changing the world some day. However, the though that one day that can all be taken away is always with me. That oneday their futures can be taken away in the blink of an eye.
That scares the shit out of me. As much as I want to be someone other than their mother…to make something of myself for when they are grown…I can’t see my life without them. The thought just tears me up inside.
Knowing this, I wonder how some people do it. How some people can just have kid after kid after kid…or pregnancy after pregnancy…how do they do it? How do you deal with the fear? How can you do it when you have lost a child already?
To me, it’s just too damn scary.