So, I am on a Facebook kick lately. Found a lot of old, but good, friends online. Been scanning and looking at old pictures and remembering the good times. Old color guard competitions, our routines that we did. Our costumes we wore. Good times.
I have also been reading what everyone else had to say on their lives…and it is totally hard to see all these kids that I knew way back then as adults with families and not kids. It is also hard for me to see that half of these kids married each other…people I never would have imagined together in a million years.
Then I think…how nice it would have been to have stayed where I was and nurtured all these friendships. I feel alienated sometimes. Many of these people stayed in the town we grew up in. Went to school. Obtained jobs. What did I do? I got married right out of high school and didn’t do much with my life until I divorced. I moved to GA, then back to TN, then to PA. All that time I while I kept in touch with some of those people, I never really nurtured those friendships.
That makes me sad. I feel that if I dropped off the face of the earth, someone might wonder where I went to…but it would never be more than a passing thought. No one is really that interested in what I did with my life or what I am doing now. While I understand everyone has their own lives to lead…it makes me sad that I never really made any real connections.
While I can make excuses for that…I’m not going to. It is my fault. I should have done better, tried harder, not made the decisions that I did. But I didn’t. I didn’t.
However, as sad as it makes me (I view my high school years as some of the best I have ever had) I wouldn’t do anything different. It is what made me who I am. For whatever reason fate and karma have brought me on this path. For whatever reason, this is what I was meant to do with my life.
Maybe I wasn’t meant do to things directly. Maybe I was meant to raise two children who could change the world. Maybe. I don’t know, I’m not psychic. Whatever the reason, the world was meant to be the way it is now. Those people I went to school with were meant to be where they are now, just like I am meant to be where I am now. Now all I have to do is do my best to fulfill my purpose here, whatever that may be.
I read something a while back that said that we plan our lives out well before we are born. That when we plan them we put up sign posts, of a sort, that let our unconscious self know that we are on the right path of our lives since we aren’t allowed to know it in advance, otherwise we wouldn’t learn the lesson we were meant to learn. Those sign posts are de ja vu. When we experience it, we know that we are on the path that our spirit had set out for ourselves in this life.
The other day, I was doing some light cleaning of something, I really can’t remember what…and I had de ja vu. It was a really silly thing like picking up the dirty clothes off the floor…but it was there. I remembered what I read…and I felt better about my life. That I was on the right path that was set out for me. I guess my spirit self knew that I would be questioning things and wanting things to be different when I planned this life for myself…and so stuck a little sign in there to let me know I am doing all right. That I am on my path.
I am doing what I need to do, however mundane it may seem.
I am right where I need be.