So, I am going to look for a counselor/therapist, probably after Babygirl is born. There is going to be enough stress after her birth that I don’t need the added stress of dealing with old ghosts. Since starting this blog a year ago I have come to some serious realizations about myself and my past. I won’t lie, the idea of going to someone who is going to help me uncover some of my past that I still have buried is terrifying. Is there more to my past than what I remember? Is there something more horrible hidden beneath that I just haven’t recalled yet?
I have to do this though, not just for me but for DH and my kids. I have to get in a mentally good place, and I can’t do that with ghosts from the past lingering in my mind. They are always there, though I can only see them peripherally. I can’t make out exact situations or events, but I know they are there. I know because I find myself being continually angry when I think about home and my childhood. I know because of the nightmares I have, when I wake up not having rested with a headache from gritted teeth.
I have to get them out in the open and confront the demons the plague me. I have to recognize them and name them so I can banish them. They have had power over me for too long, power that I have not realized I have given to them.
It reminds me of the movie Labyrinth, where Sara is stuck in the labyrinth, trying so hard to get to the Goblin City to save her brother and Jared thwarting her every move. That is me. I am Sara and peace is my brother, and my past is Jared. I wander the labyrinth trying to find peace within myself and Jared is there mocking me, showing up when least expected and changing the rules of the game.
Hopefully therapy can change that. Hopefully it will help me find my way to the middle of the labyrinth. Then, like Sara, I can take all my power back.