Too Much

I am one of those empathic people who is very sensitive to the emotions and energy of others. This can be confusing for some because it is the main reason I am a loner and homebody and most people think I just need to get out more. What they don’t understand is that it can take a lot of energy trying to keep myself from the effects of others emotions. I have found that it isn’t limited to face to face experiences, but also online.

It seems a lot of drama was going on in Facebook the past few days and a lot of high energy around me in general. I keep telling hubs he is acting grumpy and needs to check it at the door. He keeps insisting he isn’t and so he hasn’t. As I read through the posts on a particular fb group I started to feel that familiar fight or flight response and realized I really needed to stop. I dropped the group and the groups associated with it. It may be seen as extreme, but after all these years of dealing with it, I have found that is the best way to protect myself from taking that on. Then I hear of a crisis with a friend of mine with her daughter. Combine all this with the stress I already feel with school, and with my own kids…it is just way too much.

Today I want to just crawl in a hole and hide. It feels like it is coming at me from all directions, though not necessarily directed at me. The best way I can describe it is it feels like vibrations, like the base turned up too loud on the radio where you can feel it in  your chest. If I close my eyes I can see invisible waves hitting me and I look like a cartoon with wavy lines all around. I start to feel sick and feverish, start to go straight for the comfort foods that I really shouldn’t eat (a whole bag of Cadbury chocolate mini eggs and a box of fruit roll ups).

I was good for a while. I had been feeling good since I finally recovered from my last surgery.  For some reason though, the past week has been really bad. I have been trying to get out and get some fresh air more lately. Taking the dog for a walk and listening to music as we went around the block. It has been cold the last few days and it is snowing today so I am kinda stuck inside with my thoughts and these vibrations.

I really need spring weather to get here. I need to get out of the house and into the warmth of the sun. I need to dig in my garden and get my hands dirty and watch while my flowers grow. These are my therapy. My outlets to remind my brain that there is still a lot of good things in the world to look forward to. Right now, it is all just way too much.

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