The floodwaters around me…

While I look forward to my therapy sessions – it is nice to be able to just let the words and feelings tumble out – I have found myself the past few days thinking about what may be discussed at the next session and it is bringing up all the emotions from last week.  At any given minute I feel as if the dam is going to burst and I am going to start crying all over again.

That is the point though, isn’t it?  To face all those feelings and let them out so you can deal with them in a better way than having them all bottles up inside?  It is nothing specific…just the feeling that I need to cry over it.  The feeling that I just can’t control it anymore.  I have spent the past 32 years holding on to all the horrible feelings that it is hard for me to let them out.

I feel so out of control.

I need to talk to DH about it.  I really do feel like I NEED to.  He is my partner in life and should know all of this. I am just not sure how to start the conversation.  I know I will start bawling my eyes out.  I also know he will sit there and listen patiently while I try to explain everything I am feeling.  He would even give me a hug and words of encouragement.

I know I can do this, I know that I have to.  It is just so hard. After last session I can also see more of how I treat my kids is directly related to my experiences with my own mother.  How everything I do is to make sure they will never feel what I am feeling now.  I do so many things to make sure they never feel neglected.  I worry about it to the point that I am in tears if I feel like my son has felt I have neglected him for just a moment in time.

It is killing me taking care of 2 kids.  Not because it is physically demanding or because there is so much more to do…but because I feel like I am letting my son down.  I feel like HE feels like I won’t be there for him anymore like I used to be.  I feel like I am neglecting him.

Like my own mother neglected me.

I am trying to hard to be there for BOTH of my kids.  I know now that when my son was born my over protectiveness of him came from not wanting him to feel like I had abandoned him.  I never let him cry it out (and to be honest I still feel that it isn’t right to do that is a lot of cases).  I always compromised to his advantage, even if it meant that I didn’t sleep in the same bed with my husband for quite a few months (it took us a while to find a happy medium).  My son was always my top priority.  It was imperative that he knew I would be there for him no … matter … what.

My greatest fear is that he will need me, that he will call out for me and I won’t be there.  I hate him not being with me.  I hate it that he goes to the ILs without me.  I hate it that he goes with DH to the store without me.  Because he may need me and I won’t be there.  He will call for me I can’t be there to comfort him.

This has also transferred to my daughter as well.  But now I am torn between making sure SHE knows I will always be there for her, but also being there for my son as well.  I don’t let her cry if I can help it, and when I have to let her cry for some reason it just squeezes my heart to the point I can’t breathe.  My own needs are put on hold (anything from eating to going to the bathroom) so she is comforted…just like I did with Babyhead.  Babyhead’s needs are often put on hold as well as I have to see to her needs (he usually needs something just as she is having her bottle).

I constantly feel like I am letting both of my children down.  That is the most diffictult part of therapy…realizing why I do the things I do and the feelings behind them.  I just hope that maybe it can help me over come this overwhelming fear that I have of scarring my children like I was.