And then she said…

…Yea, you are crazy.

Ok, not really…but…

I did go to my first therapist appointment.   if that is normal…but it was the first time I was really able to just let everything spill out and not try to keep check of my thoughts.

We talked a little bit about everything from my past and present.  She asked a few questions and I just rambled…but all and all I think it was a good start.  I get to see her again next week and maybe explore a bit more.  It was also nice to be validated with a lot of things…that it wasn’t just all in my head and that what I went through really was bad even though it wasn’t as bad as some people go though.

It is actually strange though.  A lot of people that I tell my story too are just aghast at my history and tell me I went through a lot and it was bad…but it never seemed bad to me.  It still doesn’t actually.  I feel like I am just whining…but even Dr. H said that it was horrible what I went through so I guess I had a terrible childhood/first marriage.  Even saying it now, after she affirmed it…it is hard to accept.  I even told her that and she said that it was a normal coping mechanism that we use to deal with the pain we endure.

I wonder if that is why so many people live in pain.  They have a hard time seeing their abuse as actual abuse.  If you can convince yourself it is normal, that nothing is amiss…then it is easier to deal with.

I have to say what little we did touch one was painful.  It is hard to talk about my mother and my ex husband and not be angry to the point of tears.  I felt my whole body tremble as I spoke to her…not out of nervousness but just being able to talk about everything and not have to censor anything.

I go back next week..may write more on in then.  Definitley more than just one session worth of crap to work through.